Quotes (17)Add a Quote
In my defense, when I first arrived, and you said, "You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead, and you're in the Good Place," I had no reason to think that was a mistake.
-Location and date of birth, please.
Phoenix, Arizona, October 14, 1986... So sorry, that's what I used to tell people when I lied about my age. I was born in 1982.
-You lied so much, you forgot your own birthday.
And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.
There's no such thing as a mistake in this realm. And yet, you are, somehow, a mistake. I mean, you're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe. I need to understand every facet of this disaster. Tell me a lie about yourself. Any lie.
- I love the opera.
And now a truth.
I love Women's MMA.
She's definitely one of ours. So we'll just roll on out, and you can get back to, uh, putting rainbows up your butt or whatever you do here.
Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes.
-On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.
That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.
-You just casually cited Immanuel Kant.
Yeah, I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life
Jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom. Your devotion to the noble truths has given you something that I don't have: clarity.
-It was Buddha who said, "The man lives a pure life. Nothing can destroy him."
I'm not a man, and I've lived no life, so will this destroy me? Ouch.
-Oh, of course. A cactus on its own intends no harm. It's only when we interfere that it becomes dangerous.
I can't believe you sold the t-shirts.
-Does it help if they basically sold themselves?
I just want to say, once more, for the record, that this whole good/bad system is bullshirt. There should be a medium place for people like me who kind of sucked, but in, like, a fun, chill way.
I just want to say, once more, for the record, that this whole good/bad system is bullshirt.
There should be a medium place for people like me who kind of sucked, but in, like, a fun, chill way.
Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it. And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.
-Yep, that was my pitch.
And then at night, it was pretty classic torture. Uh, flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv, and there was always jazz music playing.
-Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.
Oh, man, these horndogs are vibing like mofos.
She's like a perfect ball of light, and you're like a wet pile of mulch. Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves and, like, dead slugs, and that's you.
-Whatever, it's easy when you're just born perfect. My parents were both dirtbags who split up when I was eight.
I don't mean to eavesdrop, but did you say your parents got a divorce? Yeah, and that kind of thing really changes a person. I mean, that trauma It can explain away a lot of behavior.
-Oh, of course.
Your parents are still together, I guess.
-Oh, actually, um, I I'm not sure. I never met my birth parents. They put me in an empty fish tank and abandoned me at a train station in Bangladesh. Luckily, I was found and adopted by a very nice couple, the Shellstrops
Oh, thank God.
- But then they died when I was four bird flu.
- Anyway, orphanage burned down, yadda yadda yadda, made my way to America, yadda yadda yadda, learned English from watching "Seinfeld," put myself through law school, and here I am.
He taught me about Plato - and Socrates, Immanuel Kant
- Yeah, cool, shut up. Let's cut to the chase here You two go to Poundtown? Poundtown, bro. You two bang it out? She hot for teach? Did you pork the dork? C'mon, girl, dish me dem dirty deets.
Hey, a bunch of us are gonna go see "Spider-Man 2" tonight. Do you want to come?
-They made a second "Spider-Man"? What is there left to say?
I just have to be more accommodating. Offer them everything they want, give in to all of their demands, and then they'll have to respect me.
-No, you need to stand up for yourself. I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin. You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit "unfriend." I also told Mark to lose the "the". Just "Facebook." That was me.
You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear they have them down there but we are not giving up.
Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.
-What are you talking about?
I'm ranking my favorite "Fast and the Furious" movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.
-No, it isn't. You could tell me your real name, for starters.
And is, uh, that a family member?
-I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.
You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with.
Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables."
No, Chidi, true love is rare, like a desert flower betwixt two oases, but true love's also very simple. And right now, I'm just a girl towering over a boy asking him to admit he loves me.
What's up, Carson Daly? My name is Jason. I wanna give a shout-out to all my homies up in Jacksonville.
Figured you two charlatans would sniff each other out like two mangy rats sharing a pizza crust in a sewer.
Jianyu is a hot dummy, definitely my type. We both love to dance. We were both banned from public transit systems in our cities.
I'd like to read a poem. “Janet, my digital queen. Janet, we can dare to dream. Send nude pics of your heart to me. Jacksonville Jaguars rule!"
-Jason, when I was rebooted, and I lost all my knowledge, I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me. And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's all about.
And yes, we do have the sort of connection that only two highly educated, sophisticates could have, but it's not true love.
I do love you, but I think more in a best friend afterlife savior kind of way. I'm not so much "hot for teacher" as I am "eternally grateful for semi-cute, surprisingly ripped teacher."
Pillboi, let's talk big picture. You know I love Jacksonville. J-town. It's easily one of the top ten swamp cities in northeastern Florida, but if we're gonna make it in the DJ game, we gotta get to Miami.
-Miami's expensive. We just don't got that skrilla, B. I mean, I got ten bucks to my name, and I spent eight of it on this burrito, and the other two on guac.
I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.
-And you two are married.
Hells yeah, homie. We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart.
That is Sachveer, and his problem with me is Oh, one of the giraffes (the 6-footer over achiever) tried to hump him.
Hey, um why don't you want me to see Janet? I'm a good guy. All I want is to give Janet the life she deserves.
-Janet is not built for human life, and I'm not sure you're much of a provider.
She's a great person. I don't know what to do. I mean, we are soul mates, so I probably do love her, but then again, how do I know if my motivation is correct? Maybe I think I'm supposed to love her, but if I tell her that I love her for the wrong reasons, it won't mean anything.
-You have a tendency to over-think things. Turn off that giant brain, and just say you love her too.
- You think?
If this were some random person you hooked up with at a Diamondbacks game in the parking lot behind the port-a-potties not based on a real example I would say keep mulling, but this is your soul mate. She's Universe-approved.
My motivation is corrupt. Even when I do nice things, I'm only doing them so I can get something out of it, the ability to stay here, which means none of this had any real moral value. It doesn't count. Holy shirt.
There is a real Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk who took an oath of silence at the age of eight. But, three months ago, he went into such a deep meditative state that he registered as dead, and when you died at that exact same moment, our system mistook you for him. Perhaps because you share the exact same IQ.
No, not cool. He stopped learning at the age of seven. Okay, so, now, this is sort of a quick litmus test, basic questions designed to tell whether you were fundamentally good or bad. Number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime?
-Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat after he sued me. And I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare.
Did you ever have a personalized license plate?
-Yeah, dawg. "I LUV BUTTS".
Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
-Yo, the Chilis? I saw them in concert like 50 times. I once got arrested trying to steal Flea's bass guitar.
We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?
It's the only thing I can think of to do to get rid of this glitch.
-Yo, who you calling a glitch?
It means "error," Jason, which is what this is.
-Oh, really? Is it an error to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave?
Walk it off, Lululemon.
So, big plans this weekend?
-Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.
Jason taught me about sexy things.
-Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
-Eh, some of those are right.
You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing. I mean, I still think we should get you. They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things. Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications. We got you your favorite beer. Yeah, but it's always warm. On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung. Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner. It's deeply terrible. You get the idea.Welcome to eternal mediocrity.
- Welcome to the Medium Place.
I don't know how long my case was pending or whatever, but when I woke up, the two sides had been fighting about me for a long time. Like a stripper over that last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean.
You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired.
-I've been asleep in goo for the last 29 years, so I'm good.
Call up the screen for Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please. Where should we begin, "Waiters Screamed At" or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman from Spin Class"?; "The Crashing and Subsequent Destruction of Vanessa Garcia's QuinceaÃ±era; "Heckling of Mall Santas"? "Lifetime Ban from Build-a-Bear Workshop"? "Brief Instagram Flirtation with Kid Rock"?
Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She deserves to be in the Bad Place. As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
- That's what you think hell is?
Mon: Emancipation papers? Honey! What does "emancipation" mean?
-It means I'll be on my own. All my life, I've been taking care of myself and you guys. I work two after-school jobs because you blew half my college fund bailing your boyfriend out of jail. So irresponsible. And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend. It was so stupid. He was already guilty, dumbass. I've been on my own for a while now anyway, and after you sign these papers, it'll be official. I won't owe you anything; you won't owe me anything.
Dad: Well, if you want me to sign … oh, that's a joint. Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter?
Mom: You're a really interesting person, Eleanor. We should hang out sometime.
Wow, your parents sucked.
-Yeah, they did, and I've been using their crappy parenting as an excuse for my selfish behavior all my life. No more.
I put your mail on your desk and you have an appointment later with the Director of Point Calculations.
You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with your hands.
- I could never do that on Earth. This place truly is paradise.
Look at them. Whispering away like two Beefeaters on a tea break. I bet they're plotting against us.
Everyone here is supposed to have a soul mate, and my soul mate doesn't love me. I don't know if you love the other Eleanor or Tahani or someone else, but you don't love me, which means that this will never really be my Good Place.
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
It took me a while to figure it out, but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me. They're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. The can't, because we're …
Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like I can't think of the right analogy.
But it didn't matter because my motivations were corrupt. I didn't care about helping the people I raised the money for. I just wanted to prove my parents wrong, stick it to my sister, get fame and attention. My only real goal was to snog Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball. Which I did. Couple of times, actually.
-But wait, why is Chidi here?
*Well, uh there's something you don't know about me. I read an article saying that growing almonds was bad for the environment, and yet I continued to use - almond milk in my coffee
- No, dingus! You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.
*Oh, fork! You're right. Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone. I made everyone miserable.
You saw us all on Earth a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days.